do what you want

we always do what we want. it doesn't matter that I clutched it white-knuckled for a minute, standing in the yellow glow of the bathroom, before I dropped it in the trash. . .I wanted it gone or else I wouldn't have let go. there is not a thing that we do in life that is not ultimately what we want. even the things we hate, the things that wear our teeth down, we don't do against our will. while they might not be what we desire to do in that moment, they support or enable some other desire which is deeper rooted. even with a gun to our head, our desire to live outweighs our desire to disobey. I didn't want to let it go, but I wanted the freedom I knew I would get if I did, more than I wanted to keep it, so ultimately I did what I wanted. if you want to be different than you are, don't just change what you do, figure out how to change what you really want, and your actions will follow suite.